My Journal

2003-09-29T15:52:00.000-07:00

I don’t know what my moms problem is here lately, but she is turning into a real jerk. I mean, she use to be so much cooler then she is right now. It’s like, she use to be more relaxed and calmed down, and now she is all up tight and turning into a real meanie head! When I was on the net and letting everyone see me and my new cam (really cool!), she was being a jerk and telling me to get off at 9:30, when I go to sleep at around 10:00. I was in really good chats with Johnny and Emily, but NOOO! I have to get off right then and there!
Anyway…I need to get off that topic before I scream. JOHNNY GOT TO COME OVER!! I loved it, he never ceases to amaze me, I love him so much! He let me use his old laptop for the time being since my computer is so sucky! I got a new webcam, and it is soooo cool! I love it, and so does Johnny, Tom, Emily, Matt, Brian, Nick, and Ben, lol! It’s really funny cause now instead of people going hey, what’s up? It’s changed to, hey, let me see your cam! I really miss having DSL, cause when I had it, it wouldn’t lag or anything and now I flip someone off, it shows up like 45 seconds later! It gets really annoying! But hey, at least I still have the net! I was being stupid with this lap top, and I deleted IE 4.0 cause I don’t like using, well…little did I know that AOL based it’s browser off of that! So now I have to dl it on my PC and transfer it over to this one…I’m so stupid sometimes!
Tom and I are getting closer as friends, and I am really enjoying it, but I don’t think Johnny is. I get really close and joke around with a lot of my girlfriends, but I hardly do it with a lot of my guy friends, but Tom is different. He is more like me and I feel that I can do whatever I like, and he won’t care, and with the exception of Johnny, he is the only one I can do that with. Like I can say, OMG, that guy has a nice ass to Johnny, and he will say stuff like…No, that guys is better! If I was to do that around many of my other friends, they would be like, “*gasp* You have Johnny, you don’t need to be doing that! So Tom and I really getting a lot closer and Johnny is not liking it too much cause I joke around with him a lot. Like last night, I blew the camera a kiss, to him (Johnny), and he goes “ That kiss better be for me ” And I replied with “Yea, Tom isn’t on, lol, j/k!” He was cool with it and everything, but you could tell that it really did bother him. I still love him, I just hope he doesn’t mind how close I am getting to Tom. It’s not like I am going to leave Johnny or anything. My friends would KILL me, and I don’t see my life without him in it! I love him SO much, and that is not going to change! I, in a way, refuse to let this relationship end, I’m so much more happier when I am around him, and I’m such a better person now that he is in my life! I LOVE YOU JOHNNY!
Well, surprise surprise, my mom is yelling at me to get off the computer, so here I go and close this down!
I just want you to know Johnny, that I love you so much, and that I always will, and have no worries about my friendship with Tom or any other person. I love you, you are my one, my all, my everything, and no one is going to change that! Esteras simprer en mi corazon! Always and forever.
Kair Bear

2003-09-23T16:40:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know I haven't written in here in a long time, but I've been busy for the past couple weeks. I made a list of nine things to talk about, so hey...I'll keep you entertained for a while:-P! Okay, first of all, I got my class switched from Alg 1B to Applied Geometry :-( Now I have this guy who thinks I am stupid, so now he treats my like a 5 year old. I dunno if you know this, but I was tripped by a homophobe running up the stairs, I had to be on crutches for two weeks, so that really sucked. I went to the doctors and they finally let me get off of those damn things! So now my leg is all better, I just have a little limp when I walk. Lets see, what else is new...Oh yea! My friend who is in 8th grade felt bad cause her b/f broke up with her, and then she didn't have anyone to go to homecoming with! BUT NOW IT'S BACK ON! I am going to boost her rep so much! I hate it when ppl do this junk to other ppl, so now she gets to take a sophomore to the dance, I can't wait to see their faces! IT'S GOING TO BE SO AWESOME!
Johnny invited me to his game last Friday. So I had to get a ride and everything so Lauren offered to pick me up and drop me off, so I could see Johnny perform in his band and conduct...he was so sexy! So anyway, she showed up and we were off to the mall to pick up her pay check. We were talking about almost everything, we talked about the Mafia, Sports, Cars, all sorts of cool stuff, it was really awesome! So we are almost there when she thinks one of her tires are low on air, so we pull of in to a VW Dealership, and check it out. The tires were fine and everything, but we noticed the brakes were messed up. After we drove around they began to work again, so we were on the road again. She's on the phone with this guy named Mike, or maybe someone else, all I know is that we were on the road coming to a stop, when we hear this high pitch screaching noise, and smoke coming up from all of the tires! Lauren I could tell was a little freaked cause she had a quake in her voice like she was about to cry. We pull in some dealer ship again, lol, and went in to see if there was anything they could do (after Lauren called her mom!) We got back out side, and her mom pulled up. Now I don't mean to offend anyone here, but her mom is a t-total bitch, and Lauren admits it! But she turned out to be a little freaky around me (obvious homophobe!) and let Lauren take her car. HER MOM HAS A SWEET CAR, IT'S AWESOME! Anyway, so we went to Wendy's and everything, she got me fries, and herself a burger. We got to Johnny's school, and I walked (crutched) to the band room!
Now, everyone that knows me personally knows that I get really freaked out when everyone is around me, but I saw Johnny and my anxiety went away! It was so freaking cool! I met: Lindsay, Emily, Joey (That was horrible), and a million other people! We went outside on the back porch of the band room and ate. I met some more people who were constanly eyeing me in the stands (it really began to freak me out!) We walked past Johnny to go get ice cream, and when Lauren went up to Johnny and did that little french greeting thing, you know when they like put theres cheeks together and make a kissing sound, anyway...he did that to Lauren, and when I walked by, I wasn't expecting him to do anything, cause I know he isn't out to most people in the band, so I was like, okay, he won't do it and I know why, so it didn't bother me. But when I got up to him, HE KISSED ME ON THE CHEEK! I was like OMG! I can't believe you just did that! I looked at him and just a look of complete shockness on my face, and Lauren's also! It was so awesome! So...Skip a lot of stuff, we went to DQ and lauren bought me a smoothie, it was really sweet of her. SO we came back...Emily called us to find out where we were and I GOT TO MEET HER AND TOM! They are both so gorgeous in person! Tom caught me off guard though, I wasn't expecting him to dress like that and I thought it was AWESOME! I don't know if this is mean to say though, but I kept thinking to myself...Johnny would kill me the first time I dressed like that! I was in all black, but I do that so the sun will be absorbed in the fabric and I can be warm through the night! After I met Tom and Emily, we listened to the practice, and Lauren took me to the stands. We sat there then saw his parents and went to go sit with them. His mom and I talked A LOT! It was so cool to actually be able to talk about Johnny and mostly only about Johnny, and his mom know that I am in love with her son! It was awesome! The game ended and they kicked butt, 23 to 13, Johnny said it was really odd for them to EVER WIN! I got to see Johnny perform, and I have to add....DAMN HE MAKES THAT UNIFORM LOOK GOOD! After the game we walked back to the band room, and his mom gave me a hug and told me to come see her. I know to others that this is not anything, but to me it is everything! To have his mom (sadly not dad) accept me...that's amazing! God I am still all fluttery and things just because of that!
Well like all good things, this one came to a crashing end...:-( (I hope you don't get pissed at me Johnny.) We went out to dinner and Lauren must talk about how things use to happen between her and Johnny. I knew it happened, Johnny told me, but that's not the topic you bring up around your friends B/F! She had her legs in his seat and I thought she was tickling...*growls* nevermind, I'll get pissed again. All I can say is that the topic of discussion, or what she was doing was really getting to me and she knew it! So did Johnny but he did nothing, but I can't blame him cause I kept laughing it off, but really...it was killing me! I went home and cried the rest of the night because of Lauren! I know I shouldn't let her get to me, but...I dunno. All I know is Johnny always talk about how it annoys him, and he brought it up to me once before "when this first happened", and she made out saying that she was afraid Johnny's and her friendship was going to deteriorate (major SP), and I fell for it...so did Johnny. I am not doubting that that is one reason, but it's not the only reason. But anyway, now she is going at it 10X's more! She did a lot of stuff that I would not let ANYONE do to me at all, IN FRONT OF ME! I understand that their friendship is unique, but with a guy who doesn't like to so luv ya, or love you, or anything that has to do with love toward her, he doesn't do anything to stop her groping him. Johnny knows how close Crystal and I is, when I'm talking to her on the phone, I do say Luv ya when I hang up with her. The way I see it is there are a lot of different loves. There is In Love, which is what I am for Johnny, there is family love, which is what I feel for Crystal, and my family, and then there is friend love, that I don't express in words. Johnny doesn't have that, he has different feelings toward love, but it still means the same thing to him. So there for I am the only person outside his family that he says it...I'm guessing. I just hate it that I feel like I have to compete with Lauren when I KNOW Johnny has no attraction to her, it just really irks me that he won't just say, "KEEP YOUR HANDS AWAY FROM ME!" I am guessing the reason he doesn't is so that he doesn't upset her feelings, but DAMNIT, it is really upsetting mine. But hey, I need to stop being so paranoid, after all, when and online test gives you these results:

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

That must be a bad sign!
Anyway, on to better topics...
OUR ANNIVERSARY IS TODAY! We've been going out for 10 months! I LOVE IT! All day to today, I was like it's out anniversary! It's so cool!
And, the coolest new of all...
I WAS NOMINATED TO BE HOMECOMING KING! I know I won't win, but it's still amazing that ppl will aftually nominate me. I am wanting to win, cause having a gay homecoming Kind (cool oxymoron), that will be awesome! The only reason I don't want to be is because I will have to dance with some broad-bimbo-bitch in a push up bra and more make up on then a cheap drag queen! But hey, it will still be cool! I hope Johnny can still come to homecoming with me. That will be so cool!
Okay, well now I have to go, I will talk to all of you later!
Kair Bear
P.S. Johnny just now found out about my feelings toward Lauren, so don't bring it up to him!

2003-09-16T19:14:00.000-07:00

Okay, I haven't written in here in a while, but I'll add that to my next entry...right now all I can think of is Johnny! I keep seeing his loving eyes peering down at me tell me how much he loves. Feeling his soft skin under my fingertips, tracing my fingers up and down the cloth on his back...I MISS HIM SO MUCH! Depending on what the doctor says, I will get to see him perform, Tom, and Emily for the first time! I am so psyched (sp) about Friday, and I can't wait! But back to Johnny, cause I can't stop thinking of him! I mean every morning he is the first person on my mind...when I go to sleep; he is the only person on my mind, the only person in my dreams. I get into trouble in my dreams, and he is the person in there...not sure which one, but he is one of them. And you can ask all of my friends...I DON'T DREAM, but now that Johnny is in my life, I keep having dreams that I can imagine heaven would be like. I kiss Johnny and open my eyes and see him smile, and I can't get over how he looks, my heart starts to flutter, and I know that this is what Heaven (Nirvana) feels like to me. I just wish there was a way that I could explain my feelings with words but I can't. I say I love you to him and it feels like SUCH an understatement! I'M IN LOVE WITH HIM! He's all of think of, he is all that I've ever wanted or needed, but that is still not enough. I LOVE YOU JOHNNY NOW AND FOREVER! FYI 08-23-03!!!!!!!!!!! What I would do to hug him right now...Just to be able to hold him in my arms and whisper how much I love him, how much he means to me and how I can't see me without him. He is literally my better half. And you guys can think all you want, but Johnny once asked me who my role model was and I didn't have an answer, but I honestly think the answer is him! (God I can only imagine what is going through all of your heads!) But honestly, I talk to him, and just listening to what his friends say about him, it makes me want to be a better person. Being near him and seeing how happy he is, how loving, how much he means to me, and seeing all of that, it makes me want to be just like him! (As moral's, not as a copy-cat!) Okay, I'll stop now before I sound obsessive...I love you so much Johnny, you mean the world to me, and hopefully one day I will be able to tell you just how much you mean to me.
Kair Bear

2003-09-10T16:19:00.000-07:00

Well, I still haven't found what's making me upset, the only thing that I can imagine so far is that whatever it is is just making that much angrier! I blew up at Johnny today over nothing! I feel horrible, and the littlest things are annoying me. I know it's these meds, they are making me in such of a pissy mood, I just want to scream! But I just want you to know Johnny, I love you so much, and I'm sry if you were upset at me today, I promise I'll try to calm down! I love you!
Okay, that's enough for now, I would type about what I am feeling, but it would scare a lot of people, and I can't really figure out what that is...so it's better not to type until I am sure...I'll just go to a different subject.
I tried working on my website that I have through Johnny's site, and totally fucked it up. I am not doing purposely, but for some reason (and I don't know how I am doing it), but these damn pages keep linking from my hard drive! And I can tell it pisses Johnny off, but I am no doing it purposely, I swear! All I wanted to do to the site is make it so that the pictures would show up, and not LINK TO MY HARD DRIVE! I was doing really good until I realized that the pictures for pride were not uploaded...*confusing huh*? So I went to FrontPage and selected the file I wanted to upload, well evidently I did sumthin wrong, cause everything but the pictures in my private folder and those were deleted. So I was like...Okay, I already imported them from the site where Johnny worked on them, so all I have to do is publish them again....WRONG! Everything went back to the way it was before Johnny corrected it all, and I know it "annoyed" (A.K.A. pissed him off), but I was just trying to get the picture there....I hate feeling stupid! Oh yea, to top it all off, I am got switched to APPLIED GEOMETRY! Now I will stuck in this fucking class for TWO YEARS! How the fuck am I suppose to get into a college when I am with a two year math program!?!?!? *Growls* I am getting pissed again, so it's best to go before I get "upset"
I love you Carrots,
Kair Bear

2003-09-08T14:55:00.000-07:00

Wel, Johnny came over yesterday:-D WOW! That's all I am going to say on that matter.
I finally got switched in to my Geometry class and I feel so stupid in there! I have so much homework to do and I don't even know what language they are speaking in! But hey, I got what I want. I think this is the first entry that I've written in here since Johnny and I have been going out that I am actually in a really horrible mood! I am not feeling good, I just want to cry, but I'm tired of doing that. My leg hurts sooooooooo bad and I am on loratabs, and it doesn't even help at all! Anyway, I am not sure what's all making upset, but whenever I find out, I will let you know.
I love you Carrots,
Kair Bear

2003-09-07T18:37:00.000-07:00

Oh yea, I LOVE YOU JOHNNY!

2003-09-07T16:35:00.000-07:00

Well, as I said, Johnny is coming over but my leg is in a knee brace. I was running up the stairs to sixth period because the warning bell had already ringed so I didn't want to get a detention (I am trying to go this entire year without getting a detention, YAH! Go me!!) Anyway, so instead of going up the stairs one at a time, I was skipping one each time, and with a fifty pound book bag, that can be tough. Anyway, so I was running up them by two's really fast, and when I hit the last stair, my right knee popped. I didn't know I did anything, I thought I stepped on something, but as soon as I went to walk and I could extend my right leg, I knew something was wrong. So I hobbled into my sixth period class (un-late!) and told her what had happened, so she sends me back DOWN stairs, so I just used my hands on the railings and was jumping them with my left knee landing on them. So I went to the office, repeated again, and my mom came to get me. Now before I go any further, I made a promise to Johnny that if something ever went wrong with me while I was anywhere, I would tell him, that he would be amongst the first to know. So I used my mom's cell (no I don't have one of my own) and text him cause he was in class. I said something like, Hey, CALL ME! I am okay, but talk to matt…. (I know that isn't it at all, but close enough for me :-P). Anyway I went to the ER and stayed there for a long time just messing with the wheel chair and they called me back to get my height, size, and problem, what time it happened, and weight (None of you will ever find that out!)! After all of that happened I got to do my homework, I know I'm a dork, but I had to get it done before Sunday so I could spend all of my time with Johnny:-D So after I went for X-Rays (and one of these male nurses started to hit on me, it was pretty funny), they told me that I didn't tear any ligaments because my knee wasn't "wobbly" so they out ruled that. They told that I most likely tore a lot of cartilage in my knee and that is why I can't extend it. They wrapped my knee in two ace bandages and then put a REALLY uncomfortable "knee immobilizer" which is just a fancy word for something that will not let my leg breathe! So I finally got discharged from the hospital and I was so worried that Johnny was worrying about me too much. I finally got home took a Lora tab (I really hate those things!) And then I finally got to talk to Johnny and told him all what had happened. So here I am with my leg resting on my PC because I can't bend it, typing this message and waiting for Johnny to call and tell me he is on his way! But of course you know, you will get another blog from me soon. I LOVE YOU JOHNNY!
Je t'aime Carrots,
Kair Bear

2003-09-06T14:36:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone, I am injured and Johnny is coming over this sunday! YAY! I will write more in a little bit!

2003-09-04T13:07:00.000-07:00

It's weird because every night when I lay my head on my pillow, I smell Johnny's hair…not specifically his shampoo cause we both use the same, but I smell his hair jell and just his own little personal scent, cause you know that we all have our own scents! Anyway, so I try to go to sleep, but all I can think of is how bad that I want Johnny to be there with me, just to lay next to me in the same bed. I honestly when say that do not mean anything sexual about it, I just want to be able to wake up next to him and say that I love you. Be able to watch him while he sleeps; wake him with a kiss, which would be the best thing ever for me! I would love nothing more then be able to look at him for the rest of my life…get that warm fuzzy feeling every time he touches me, feel like I am in heaven when he kisses me or hugs me, I just want to be able to spend a really long time with him because I miss him so much! But hey, I have him in my life now, so I know it will happen soon:-P I keep reading his journal and it always says that I want this to last for a long time, not me…I want this to last forever! I can honestly see myself with him for the rest of my life. We both like the same things, we have different tastes in food, but I can learn to like Chinese:-P lol. We both want to be teachers in some way or another. I want to be a school counselor, and he wants to be a band director! It would work out perfectly! I honestly don’t want to see my life without him in it. I know maybe one day that I might have to, but I don't want to, I know I could…but I don't want to think of that. I just want this to be the last relationship I ever have because I want this one to last forever and ever, and if Johnny loves me as much as he says he does (which there is no doubt in my mind that he does), then I know that could happen. I've never felt this strongly for anything in my entire life, I know that I love Johnny and what ever piece John Y. had of my heart; it was taken back and given to Johnny. I love him so much, and I want this to last forever!
Okay now that I am off that, lol, school was okay today :-) It was pretty cool because I didn't get picked on, I am about to me moved into my Geometry class, so everything is okay:-D I'm really happy because of that, now I don't feel completely ignorant, only half lol. Johnny might be coming over to my house on Sunday *insert big smile here!*. I'm afraid that his mom is going to say no, because of the fact that he has came over here every Sunday for the past three weeks, so that runs up his mileage and runs down his gas :-(, which he doesn't pay for, but his mom still does and I feel bad. If I could find a ride over there I would be more then happy to go:-D He is so sweet and his mom…I really like, she's really sweet.
Well, I need to go, I am trying to find a new template for my blog:-P
Ttyl,
Kair Bear

2003-09-01T19:14:00.000-07:00

You know what, this place is never just right…it's always either too cold or too hot, never just right…well I take it back it's been right just once, and that was when Johnny was over here, everything was perfect then! Okay, now that that random statement is made a put away, I LOVE LIFE!
Everything is so perfect right now! It's all just peachy! I mean I've seen Johnny twice over this weekend, and I am just peachy from it! Everything is great today, yesterday, the day before…these two days could just make my entire year, but then again…I'LL GET TO SEE HIM MORE THEN THIS! Okay, I know you guys are prolly flipping out with how happy and stuff I am, but I DON'T CARE, I love everything right now and I love you Johnny! *Jumps up and down* I'm so happy :-D.
Okay, I need to calm down now, *tries to think of something other then Johnny*…*draws a blank*…Okay, back to Johnny again! I think what I'm going to do is either post a link to a picture of him, or I will just be good and try to find out how to put a picture of him in my blog one day! I love him so much, and now I can't think of anything else…all through my biology homework I was doing nothing but thinking of him, all through all of my work today all I could think of was him. You know when I start my job at Kroger's, it's going to be impossible to do anything else but think of him! I still can't get over that amazing day we had yesterday, everything was perfect! I loved every bit of it, and it's still branded into my mind! I LOVE YOU JOHNNY!
~8-23-03~
Okay, never mind, I go to end this journal entry and my mom decides to get in another one of her little pissy moods and won't let me sign on to post it. She's like; you've been on the internet, phone, internet, phone, homework….chill out on it, just take a breather. It's like, what the hell, I live in a one room hotel with my brother, my mom, and my step-dad…what the fuck am I suppose to do!?!?! Ughh! I miss being able to go to my room, relax on my water bed and just stare at my ceiling. I know to others this may be nothing, but after living in this hell hole for five weeks, it get to be one of your greatest wishes! I miss being able to get in a fight with my brother, go to my room and relax there until I calm down. I miss my privacy, I don't know if you guys know this (With the exception of Johnny and Lauren), but the only way I get any privacy when I talk on the phone is to go to the restroom and talk on the phone there, but the light has to be off because if you turn the light on…the fan comes on too, you know…since where in this place. I know this journal entry is like a roller coaster, but I was just in a really good mood until my mom decided to keep me away from civilization. If I was to say mom, can I walk to Crystals? She would prolly go freaking crazy and say know…I HAVE NOTHIN ELSE IN THIS PLACE TO DO, I can't use the phone, I can't sign on to the net, and all I can do is listen to these songs that I know how to sing backwards, and type this entry worrying Johnny! I hate it when people feel sorry for me, I hear it from Candace, Chad, Vickie, Austin, Crystal, Megan, Cari, Jessie, Jessica, Annelise, and most of all I hear it from Johnny and that just breaks my heart knowing that he feels sorry for me because of where I live, and honestly I feel sorry for myself. I know it could always get worse, we couldn’t have a place to live, I could be living with my homophobic grandparents, but now that I think of it, that entire grandparent thing doesn’t sound so bad, yes…I would have to go back in the closet, but WHO CARES, I would have my own room, I would still have internet access and I wouldn't have to worry about walking out my hotel door and having shit thrown at me by the homophobe in the area. Yea, that's right, THEY KNOW!
I'm sorry that you had to find out this way Johnny, but the last thing I need you to worry about is me getting hurt. I love you and no matter what happens, I always will.
Anyway, I was thinking of my favorite things today and yesterday, like my favorite movies, songs, stuff like that, and I've come up with some good stuff. I think my next post will be all of those things that I thought of. Okay, now I'm really going to go…I talk to all of you later:-)
Love,
Kair Bear

2003-08-31T22:23:00.000-07:00

Johnny came over today, AGAIN! I went over there yesterday, as you all know, and then he got to come over today! I AM LIKE THE HAPPIEST LITTLE HOMO IN THE WORLD!
Four characters…OMG! (That's enough for now.)
I LOVE YOU JOHNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2003-08-30T19:16:00.000-07:00

YAY! I got over to Johnny's and had a blast! I love being over at his house, it's really nice to be able to go there, and actually have a room. I forgot what it was like to have your own little personal space. It's really weird.
It was really cool though, because when I pulled into his driveway, I was scared to death…I was so worried and I didn't calm down until like thirty minutes!
[Skip a lot of stuff] I was talking to Johnny about college and stuff and I had my head on his stomach (it makes really funny noises), anyway, all of a sudden he says hi mom. I thought he was joking, but then I heard her say hey…it was really funny! Lol. Anyway, I am going to keep the rest to myself and Johnny. I LOVE YOU JOHNNY!
Kair Bear

2003-08-27T19:24:00.000-07:00

Well, I am not sure if you guys were wondering when the *you know what* was going to hit the fan....WELL IT DID! Johnny's mom ran into the link to my DeadJournal from Johnny's history. She knows all the stuff that Johnny wasn't telling the truth about. But, I just finished reading all of my old entries, and there not all that bad. Yes, some of them are a little *clears throat* vivid! Buy all in all, they were still pretty good. I can go over to Johnny's on Saturday, YAY FOR ME! I just hope this doesn't turn into another Six Flags re-run! I just talked to my mom and I am trying to figure out a ride to get there. She said she doesn't know yet, but I just hope I can. I am also going to talk to Amanda, and I know she will if she can. Cause she has always said, “If you want to go see him someday, just tell me and I will drive you there.” So I guess this is going to be pretty good. I'm really not sure what to expect from his mom though, he said that his mom controls his dad, so I don't really have to worry about him, but his mom will be the one who gives me the fifth I think. I am trying to think of all the possible questions that his mom would ask me, and I am drawing blanks in my mind. I'm so worried, but if Johnny is there with me, I know she won't grill me too bad. I'm just really worried that she has the wrong impression of me, I only write in that journal when I am: pissed, upset, depressed, emotional, stuff like that, I never write in it when I am just normal…
I'm just going to have to prove to her that I am a good kid, and that I am not all that mean or rude…I think I am very sweet and kind.
Okay, change of subject~ I just re-read the first conversations Johnny and I have had, and I am like practically crying over it! I am so loving right now. I am not sad or anything anymore:-D I LOVE YOU JOHNNY! I need to go now, but I will talk to you later!
Je t'aime mon Carrots!
Kair Bear

2003-08-27T09:33:00.000-07:00

Wow, I just read my last entry in here and it is a little bit tough. It's a little hard to believe that I actually wrote that and now that my emotions are calmed down and everything, I can safely say that not all of that is true. I'm still pissed that he came back into my life, but I'm still glad that he is alive. It would be best though if he was alive and not in my life! I really hope my entries don't scare anyone, I'm usually not like that, I'm pretty sure that I scared Johnny. Hell, I even scared my self because I usually don't talk like that. By the way, I'm home sick if you're wondering why I am posting so early in the afternoon. I miss Johnny so much, yesterday was the first day since we've known eachother that we didn't talk. I still knew he was thinking about me, and I was still thinking about him, so in some way we were still talking. Oh yea, and I don't hate my real father, I just hate who he is! I think I'm going to ask my mom to go to my Grandma's house to see her. I'd really like to see her, I haven't seen her in about 3 months, you can bet I am going to get a lecture from her on how much she misses us and how I should come down more often, lol, but it will be worth it.

~Must talk about Johnny some more~ You know how most adults think that sex is all that's on a teenagers mind, WRONG! All I've been able to think about for the past four days is Johnny! I keep seeing his beautiful eyes looking into mine, that great smile he has, and his soft skin against mine. I keep seeing how he had his eyes closed when we kissed, and how mine were open barely enough to see him, because I know if I close my eyes, then I'll miss him! GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HIM!! I keep feeling his warm breath against the back of my neck while his arms are wrapped around my body. I remember feeling immortal while I was like that. Being able to look into those beautiful blue eyes of his and see him bend down to kiss him. I LOVE YOU JOHNNY! I really hope he doesn't get tired of hearing that, because I am going to be saying that a lot!

2003-08-26T20:30:00.000-07:00

It's amazing what one phone call can do to ruin your day! For the past four days I've been non stop with the happiness! I've been cheerful, crying because I finally know what it is like to be loved! All sorts of stuff have been completely great! Until my real father called me! I was waiting for Johnny to call me because he usually does about this time of night, and so the phone rang and I answered... Hello, all anticipating and stuff, and it wasn't Johnny, it was my real father. Just as those words came out of his mouth my stomach hit the floor. I just wanted to fall down a vomit up guts because of how bad that hurt my stomach. He was like it's nice to hear your voice…and I was like, yea, I forgot what you looked like. He told me how sorry he was, and that he was in a hospital to make him get better. He tried to clear him self up saying stuff like how sorry he was, and that he wasn't dangerous, and stuff like that and all I could do was just sit there and fight back the tears! I wanted to lash out at him, I wanted to be the reason he committed suicide. I know that is rude, hateful, and wrong to say, but it's true. I wanted to call him Doug instead of dad, and I didn't even acknowledge him as my father! I just said yea, yea, right, okay, I was just wondering, and that's about it. I wanted to tell him everything that would just kill him. Telling him that I have a great boyfriend who I know loves me and that I love him, I am going to start a G.S.A. at out school, all sorts of stuff that I know would kill him! I can't believe that I am writing all of this, but now that I think of it, I HATE HIM! Does he not know how much hell he has put me through! Calling my grandmother to try to figure out if he is still alive or not, that does something to a person, and it did something to me! I just want to cry and let it all out! BUT I'M NOT! I am not going to let him get the best of me, I will not let! I just need to talk to Johnny to make me feel better, hearing his soft soothing voice will make life so much better for me! I just want to cry. This shit further proves what he hasn't done for me! I was going for a record time of being happy! I mean I stayed home sick today and I was still shining on the inside! I LOVE JOHNNY SO MUCH! And he had to fuck up my evening by calling! I've never expressed this much rage, but WHY CAN'T HE JUST DIE! WHY?!?!?! Would it be too much to just do me a little favor like that! I understand people change, I'm not saying that he didn't change, but he's a day late and a dollar short! Actually, he is 7 MONTHS LATE, AND OVER $6,000.00 SHORT! Why does he have to come back into my life, why?
I hope I haven't upset anyone, I will calm down…
I love you Johnny.
Kair Bear

P.S. Johnny I am sry I didn't get to tell you good night, I love you so much, and I swear that I am fine! I love you so much sweety!

2003-06-12T16:35:00.000-07:00

Yipee! I have a new blogger, I use this and this journal a lot! I hope you like what you see here, and if you want a cool bloggerskin, just e-mail me or IM me at.. AIM: KairBear121087 Yahoo: Stubbles87 or MSN: roygbiv817@hotmail.com to get it. I LOVE YOU JOHNNY. and I can gurantee that my next post will be better!